Good things happened this week.
My self-promise was to keep going. No matter how hard I fucked up or felt fucked up. This next bit sounds crazy but here it is: Right now, my feelings don’t matter.
Usually, a shame spiral goes something like
a) I promise to do something. b) I don’t do it. c) I feel anxious and afraid to communicate it won’t get done how and when it was meant to. d) I start to avoid. e) Feel plain horrid for flaking. f) Everything else in my life goes to shit because I get stuck in the thought loop of the wrong I have done.
But that solves nothing for the person I disappointed. And it does nothing for me.
So this week I made sure my feelings did not matter. I messed up in two big ways. But I kept that shame in a quadrant of me and kept going with the other three-quarters. Wake up. Work out. Meditate. Read. Work.
And I am proud of myself.
My core is on fire. As are my arms. The meditation app says I have an eight-day streak. Bought a dress for lunch at Savoy on boxing day.
I am feeling empowered to tackle that looming fuck up. This journey is interesting you guys. It feels like I could come to like myself. To trust myself. What a gift that would be.
I didn’t feel like writing this or anything today.
But it’s in your email anyway. Because fuck my feelings. All that counts right now is showing up. As much as I can at first, and then all the time.
Sweet dreams.