Let's start here
Since
I can remember - my memory starts at six - I have been in a tightly wound, firmly closed loop of negative self-talk. So when people who know me say bad things, I hear it as them seeing me clearly, as I see myself.
Positive feedback does nothing for me. Filed as obligatory blindness. The fluff people say before saying what they mean, or instead of. Recently, I have excused this as a plus. Jensen Huang, founder of Nvidia, whom I love, has a well-documented hatred of self as well. My brain rationalises it as necessary for the kind of success I aspire to.
That is fucking nonsense. The facts:
I am not rich
I should be rich
I could have been rich
The only reason I am not rich is me
This gluttony for pain is unsustainable
The self-hatred makes me less resilient. It is not working.
I am not rich
I should be rich
A
physical manifestation of the cognitive self-hatred loop is that for nearly two decades - since I turned thirteen - I have tried to kill myself, tried to recover from trying to kill myself, reveled in a blaze of productivity (always short-lived), crashed, tried to kill myself, tried to recover from trying to kill myself, on and on.
I cannot die.
One, I’m not very good at it. Two, my dying would severely negatively impact my siblings. Three, the latter is inordinately more painful than whatever ails me.
The result of these two loops - cognitive self-hatred, physical suicide fixation - is this twenty-nine-year-old might be. With enough talent, wit, drive, insight to be rich. Without the staying power to finish things.
This
August I spent a lot of time with the NHS crisis team. Some resulting epiphanies:
I am exhausted from being in these loops
This self-hatred is not based on facts
It feels objectively true that I am worthless, but it isn’t.
And even if I am, it is inefficient to continue to think that
The suicide loop is pointless. I care more about my family being happy than the pain ending
Enough
This
guy, Paul Gilbert, says we switch between three systems to manage our emotions. Threat, Drive, Soothe. Often, one of these systems dominates.
Threat prepares you to run away from danger. Feelings of fear, anxiety, disgust, live here. Drive motivates and rewards. Feelings of want, focus, excitement, na here them day. Soothe does exactly that. Feelings of contentment, safety, trust.
I live, bound to the ground in chains wound round my wrists, ankles, tittles, teeth, in Threat. Half my elbow is in Drive. I know nothing of Soothe.
Which brings us to the point of this essay.
Soothe is required for resilience. This dirty word called compassion. Self-compassion.
I
believe it to be objectively true that I am a worthless piece of shit.
But this is not an original thought.
You see, when I was six, a family friend thought it wise to pin me to his grandmother’s gorgeous four poster bed and sexually assault me while whispering in my ear that I am ugly and sooo stupid. He thought it wise to do this often. Nearly all of my self identity, and so called objective truths about myself stem from these interactions.
I am worthless. I am worthless. I am worthless(?)
This is not true. And more importantly, this doesn’t serve me. These loops are inefficient. And I am exhausted. And need to be rich. And cannot die. So Soothe I must.
I
am twenty-nine. I have lived in this first cognitive loop for twenty-three years. I have lived in the second suicidal loop for sixteen years. Breaking out will be hard. Will take time. But all I have to do is start.
So I’ll start with the hardest, hardest thing. By saying, and trying to believe that